….from the Hamsexy.com lawsuit department

We got this pretty funny e-mail today…. It’s from some whacker we mentiond once back in March named “bish1op” or “1bishop” or something. Anyway, here’s his letter:

From: “[removed, although I’m not sure why we’re that nice…]”
Date: July 17, 2005 6:58:36 PM EDT
To:
Subject: Remove this ppage on your site immedately

Pissed as hell,
bisho1p

Now now now.. where to start. First of all, our first instinct was to laugh our asses off…. But after a hearty chuckle over this I contacted our lawyer (you can’t run a site like this without having a least a lawyer or two available to run questions by). After reading him the letter, we both had a laugh together. I don’t know why people badmouth lawyers, this dude’s great. Finally, after he regained his composure, his words were clear and he beseeched me with some advice that could only come from many years and hundreds of thousands of dollars of education: “Fuck him”.

So… fuck him we shall. There are a few pretty funny things in this letter that come to mind:

1. “most/if not all of this is untrue” Oh really now. Which part of “I am a lying whacker” is untrue, then? The part where you’re a whacker or the part where you call yourself a liar?
2. “This will not continue, or my lawyer will be contacting you immediately, and suing you/your organization for libel/slander/verbal assault/misrepresentation/and anything else you are already obviously guilty of.” This guy suffers from dellusions of grandeur. First of all, he was mentioned ONCE in an article dating back to MARCH. It’s currently the latter end of July. As well, I’m not sure how he expects to file a “libel” suit against us, since all we used to identify him was an internet handle – and “no lawyer worth his salt would ever touch anything like this” (according to our counsel). But, if you still feel to the need to do so, please have your lawyer draft a cease and desist order against us. But please make sure to have him send us a scan of it so I can post it on this site. And no, the page isn’t going anywhere.
3. “Just because one elightbars member was pissed, does not give your organization the authority to allow public slander of my character without intervention.” Again, where is the libel? (Your lawyer needs to teach you the difference between “Slander” and “Libel”. We’re only working with the material you provided to us. And, btw… it was more than one elightbars member that wrote us, thanking us for putting a spotlight onto you. I can’t remember what they said, because… well.. it was a long time ago, and to be honest I didn’t know who the heck you were until I clicked on the link… and even then it took me a second to remember. Sorry, we deal with so many whackers, it’s easy to forget. I’m sure you’ll forgive us!
4. “If this is not removed, my lawyer will be contacting you and your organization, and I will see to it that your organization never sees the light of day again.” Bwahahaha….. Lighten up, man!! Dig into your pack and give yourself some of that Epi, man (if you’re infact authorized to carry it). This line got the most laughs from everyone I’ve shown your letter to. We invite you to contact a lawyer. It’s your money, dude. We are quite confident in our case, as our only mention of you was your incomprehensible internet alias, and that’s certainly not enough to warrant a libel case large enough to ensure daylight doesn’t fall on our rosy cheeks again. I am rather puzzled as to why we’d never see the light of day. I mean, Mark David Chapman killed John Lennon, and he sees the sun on a regular basis. Are we going to to be sequestered into the world’s deepest underground courtroom? Maybe that’s it.

Anyhow.. as I said, feel free to hire a lawyer and pay a few hundred bucks to send us a cease and desist letter. And make sure it’s on a nice cream bond paper…. I don’t want it to clash with the others we hang on the wall.

Comments on this gentleman are always appreciated. but be careful as we’re treading on dangerous legal ground.

Oh, and by the way: The page you listed in your e-mail isn’t going anywhere. In fact, if you write us again, I’ll make it a permapost so everyone visiting the site will be able to read it.

Oh…. one more thing… if you had just politley e-mailed us, requestion the page to come down in a very nice manner, the page would be gone and we’d apologize for being a bother. You see? Maybe you’ll learn a lesson out of all of this: The squeaker whacker gets greased. Cheers!