Hamsexy dot com

Want another way to intermix your fanatical love of Star Trek with your obsession with Ham Radio? Why not enroll in the OFFICER’S RADIO SCHOOL at STARFLEET ACADEMY?

Now, before you ask, le me explain what “Starfleet Academy” is. Aside from being the Starfleet Officer’s School mentioned in Star Trek, it’s also a website that offers Star Trek nerds online courses in various Star Trek-related discipline (and they charge money!!). What better to go with your ill-fitting Starfleet uniform and phaser than a framed master’s degree from the Geordi LaForge School of Warp Propulsion? Well… 10 years of therapy maybe, but that can be expensive in today’s world.

Courses offered at “Starfleet Academy” consist of such asinine streams of study such as “School of Borg Technology”, “Flag Officer’s School” and my personal favourite, “Starfleet Academy College of Medicine”, which offers various medical disciplines for you to become an expert in, including “Xenobiology”. “Dentistry”, “Dermatology”, “HIV/AIDS” (i would have thought AIDS would have been eliminated in the 24th century…) and “Hematology” (By the way, proof of CPR certification is required to enroll in the “Starfleet Field Medic” course – I’m shocked they don’t require EMT certification). Oh, the required source materials for Starfleet Medical include such exteemed syllabi as the “World Book Encyclopedia”, “Star Trek Encyclopedia” and “Various Medical Texts”. What about “Grey’s Anatomy”? Or one of those children’s pop-up books that outline the human body? but seriously, who the hell would spend the money just to get a diploma so they can brag to their Trekgeek friends that they are a “Starfleet-trained Dermatologist”? That’s right, I can cure your Rigellian skin warts. Just let me get my “Ri” volume of the World Book Encyclopedia…..

But – the focus of this article is the “Starfleet Officer’s Radio School” since… well… this *IS* a ham radio site, after all.. It’s not a “Making fun of Star Trek losers with too much time on their hands” site (which I’m sure would do quite well if I wasn’t so damned afraid of Trekkies).

The Starfleet Radio school seems to offer a curiculae based on concepts of traditional radio peppered with make-believe subjects like “Subspace radio” “Starship Communications”, etc. There are three levels of study in which to partake, bachelor’s, master’s and doctorate.

In the Baccalaureate level consists of two courses, “History of 20th and 21st century radio” and “Space Station Communications Permit”. This will entrust you with a Bachelor’s Degree in Starfleet’s radio course.

Those not wishing to be satisfied with an undergraduate’s degree in pretend radio can take their Master’s Level courses. To get your Master’s in Trek Radio, you need to the “Broadcast Radio Exam” and your “Starship Communications Console Operator’s Permit”, just in case you find yourself on a starship and the Captain says “Shit! I need a certified radio console operator, pronto!”.

Those wanting to reach the apex in their field can then go on to get their PhD in space radio. This, of course, consists of question banks stolen from the FCC amateur radio “Volunteer Examination Program’s Question Pool” – except, in a fun twist, questions from the Trek universe will be tossed in. This Starfleet qustion bank will include questions from the Tech, General and Extra question banks. The doctorate course comes with this proviso: “These courses are PRACTICE for the real exams and are intended to stimulate interest in the fascinating world of Amateur Radio. Starfleet International and Starfleet Academy will NOT be issuing Official Licensing Exams, this activity is handled in your local area by Certified Volunteer Examiners.” It’s sad business when the officer School for intergalactic exploration, research and defence is denied the ability to proctor Amateur Radio exams. Get me Admiral Cartright on subspace right away!

Overboard Trek fans are bad enough.. but when they get mixed with ham radio, the result can only lead to nightmares. And paying money for a course that some nerd made up off of the top of his head? I can’t think anything much more gay than that.

Anyone who’s seen the movie “Trekkies” knows EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

While I enjoy watching Star Trek as much as anyone (Enterprise was one of the few shows I used to specifically look for and watch, until it ende in one of the gayest series finales since St. Elsewhere), I shudder when I see the scary lengths that some people have gone to just to be fans of this show. Some form “Starships” among their Trekkie friends, others attend conventions dressed up as their favourite Star Trek aliens while others devote a large part of their lives to learning how to speak fluent Klingon. Klingon is, for some reason, quickly becoming this century’s Esperanto – a totally made-up language that people around the world are using to communicate. Scary, huh?

In any case, I’ll get down to what I’m talking about today. What happens when AMATEUR RADIO geeks meet STAR TREK fans? You get The USS Jurassic (Starfleet registry NCC-3500).

What exactly is the Good Ship Jurassic, you ask? Is it moored somewhere? Can I tour its many decks? Well… you can’t. It doesn’t exist.

You see, whenthree or more Star Trek fans get together, they may choose to form a fan club. And instead of calling themselves the “Hannibal, MO Star Trek Fan Club” or something normal like that, they form a “Starship”. They draw up blueprints, they name their ship, give it an “NCC” registration number. They then assign themselves ranks, according to what they see themselves doing in this supposed Starship. “Hi. I’m Lieutenant Commander Dave… I’m chief engineer on the USS Coaxial.” “Hi, Commander.. umm.. Dave… What exactly are the duties of a Chief Engineer on a starship that doesn’t physically exist?” “Well, I can program the crew’s radios for them. I also fix the warp engine” “What warp engine?” “You just don’t have any imagination”.

The USS Jurassic is no ordinary geek shitp – it’s also a ham radio club. They go to Hamfests and Star Trek conventions and try to recruit members into their scary fold. You climb the hierarchy of the club by earning points for doing certain things – the more points you get, the closer you are to getting ‘promoted’. It seems they’ve eliminated the usual “Enlisted” and “Officer” ranks and squished them altogether. I know some people in the Navy that would be rather offended that one can graduate directly from one of the highest enlisted ranks to the absolute lowest officer rank. If I spent 30 years working my way up to a high NCO rank to be then sent down with the 23 year old officer school graduates, I’d be pretty pissed off…. But then again, this *is* outer space, and no one can smell your stink.

In browsing the USS Jurassic’s site I was rather disapointed to find absolutley zero photos of the crew in uniform, even on their “away missions” (visits to hamfests, field days, etc.). The photo gallery isn’t all that breathtaking, just some photos of ham radio guys doing ham radio things. The one thing that struck me was this: These aren’t geeky teenagers doing this, these are GROWN ADULTS, some with children and spouses. The “CO” of the ship is what appears to be a woman in her mid-40’s. That’s what shocked the HELL out of me. Usually you grow out of your Star Trek obsession when you get to your 20’s, when getting a job and car loans and mortgages enter your mind. The only part of the site where you get to see people in bad Starfleet uniforms is the “Division Officers” page (I was a little dissapointed that the “Security” division wasn’t an ARES branch. Probably the one thing funnier than seeing a bunch of ARES guys running around an emergency is seeing them dressed up in Starfleet uniforms, complete with phasers and tricorders.)

But, as I said the best part of the site isn’t the photo album or the ‘ranks’ page… Its the “special projects” page. And man, are they special. It isn’t enough to call a meeting of Star Trek fans a “Starship” and call eachother “Captain” and “Commander”, but they actually go as far as to draw blueprints for their ship…. Even floorplans of decks that don’t exist. I’m sure I’m not the only one that think this is a little… well.. ‘much’.

73’s good buddy… and Live Long and Prosper.